Balancing joy and grief on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a bitter sweet one for me. I have two amazing children here who I adore with every cell in my body and I have a little boy in heaven who I mourn with that same amount of energy.

I understand it’s tough to understand if you are not part of this very uncomfortable club but there is a certain amount of sadness that still seeps into the festivities every year that is tough to explain and even harder to balance.

Firstly I’d like to say upfront that remembering Aaron does not mean I have not addressed the loss. It does not mean I am regressing or depressed or that I need additional intervention. It does not take away from the blessings I know I hold, or from the absolute happiness my children bring me. It does not mean that I am dwelling on the past, or impact my ability to live my life and it absolutely has no indication of my current state of mind.

What it does mean is that I remember, that I feel, that I love and that I am human.

I will never stop wondering how he would have looked, what his voice would have sounded like, what color eyes he would have had. I will never stop imagining if his laughter would be from his tummy like his brother, or if his eyes would have sparkled like his sister. I will never stop craving 3 sets of hands around my neck on this day. Never. And that’s ok. It’s also ok if you don’t understand, it’s not a club I want you to ever be part of. Everyone handles memories differently and I choose to remember my son and say his name daily, and this day is no different. He is not a bad memory, he is a glorious gift. So when I say his name, even if it comes with a payer of longing, recognize my need to share him with you – not on your fear of death or your perception of the grief process.

The challenge for me personally has been the fear of my words being seen as a sign that I’m unraveling and that can’t be further from the truth. Talking about Aaron and how I am feeling on this day shows how open I am to revealing my emotions and enabling those around me to understand how I feel

It is my way of ensuing that I do not allowing my emotions to explode in dramatic ways and 7 years after his loss, it’s still a struggle. But that’s normal too. What I know for sure is that grief never goes away, we simply learn how to integrate it better as the years go by. I have already accepted Grief as an ally on this journey. It no longer represents loss of control or helplessness, it’s now a statement of the power of love and the gratitude that comes with his memory

So on this day I focus on only what brings me joy and that has taken time to see. It brings me joy to be celebrated by Rach and Dani so amazingly. The ice cold coffee mugs have now been replaced by warm ones. The squiggly photos are now full on portraits and the excited squeals are now weekend long squeals as we work through the DIY mummy spa days, cuddles during movie night and productions created just for me with sock puppets and DIY songs about bedtime songs and kisses! The tears of joy and the happiness I fee is real and takes my breath away.

I can be happy on this day, the grief is not raw anymore.

I also make a special effort to feel Aaron’s joy in these moments knowing he is around them. I feel his butterfly kisses and my dreams are filled with him. I allow myself to laugh and cry and be, and I focus on creating amazing memories with my babies and on being in the present, fully immersed in their love, joy and innocence.

Loss of a child forever changes a person. It doesn’t matter the time that lapses, it’s hard. My grief is my own, and I did not choose it. But I can choose to celebrate life and being a mum to all my babies in the way I know how.

I do not rely on others to determine how I parent my children on earth, and I do not allow others to determine how I remember my baby in heaven either. Mummy knows best!

Be kind this Mother’s Day. It’s tough for so many, and for so many different reasons. Recognize the moodiness, tears and ups and downs as signs that she is trying. And acknowledge the journey, without minimizing the part of her heart that lives in a place where she cannot go.

Love and light everyone!

Keshnie

Banting Faijitas with crispy tortillas!

Prep time: 20min

Prep to plate: 1 hour

Banting Roti Recipe banting roti

Our 10 years sailing the 7 seas on cruise ships, and Hunky Hubby being a chef, means I feel the need to be innovative with very little time and virtually no patience. A favourite in my home are Fajitas….quick to prep, fun to eat and versatile. Having eating fajitas in Mexico and Puerto Rico, these come pretty close and my 5 year old princess loves them too!

Accompaniments

Quick, easy, green list!

Manic Mummy

Bedtime Tantrums Resolved!

Rachy slept really well. I was proud of how I had sleep trained her and often shared my experiences with others mom’s who were amazed at her routine. The truth is that Rach was just very very good at sleeping on time – until she turned 3!

Everything changed overnight! She had gone from her crib to a single bed with ease, suddenly she was waking up every 2 hours “just to check on mummy”, she went from giggles before bedtime to screams that put horror movie actors to shame and she went from happily praying before bed to endless excuses and prayers involving the phrase “Please Jesus let mummy leave me alone because I’m so n
ot tired”.

I tried everything. Coaxing, promising, shouting, threatening and finally crying and then I discovered the secret. It’s not the nanny’s method that you are expecting. That worked for a while but it was exhausting and the behaviour did not last. For those of you who don’t know this involves silently taking the child back to the room until they settle in. Sorry, but I don’t have 5 hours every 2 weeks and needed something that was going to l

ast.

What worked for Rach might not work for everyone but hey, its worth sharing just in case. She is turning 4 on Sunday so it could just be a stage but I’m so glad it seems to have ended!

So what I did was add an extra half hour to her routine called reflection time. Lights off without any crazy noises (which was difficult with Hunky Hubby watching car shows at deafening volumes….I gave him the “don’t you dare look” at earphones suddenly appeared). During this time we hummed our favourite nursey rhymes – yes, we hummed! Starting at the normal tone with our hands in the air, and taking it down to a whisper while we moved lower and lower into the bed until we were lying down – stretched out flat! Surprisingly she not only took this as a sign that the dat was done but she also went straight to sleep after her usual prayer.

It was worked 3 weeks in a row now! I’m quite excited about this….wondering if its a form of baby meditation of some sort that I magically stumbled upon! Wish us good luck!

PS: She did kick the wall a few times and I told her it was fine but her toes might grow backwards. I know, I know, its not right to lie but that made me giggle a little and restored the zen in me so I take it as a victory anyways!

Good luck everyone, not to just find a solution to the morning, midday, early afternoon and late afternoon tantrums!

K

Why I fired my daughter’s godmother

She was a friend, seemingly nice and always loving towards Rach. I liked her, I was desperate for friendship in the realm of new mommy lonliness and she was really amazing to chat to.  We grew close and after a few months of day to day friendship, I asked her to be Rachy’s godmother.

Before anyone throws tantrums my way, try to understand that I already know what you are thinking. Yes, I do know the definition of a godmother, yes, I did think it through, no, I did not do the right thing.

So, eventually the social butterfly I once called me friend was annoyed that I could not go out with her, picking Rach up when I had to meet unrealistic deadlines from my new job became a burden and her true colours showed.

She was young, selfish, gossipy – not at all the type of person I should have let near Rachy. She would never hurt Rach, that I know, but she was also never destined to be a permanent fixture in our lives.

What hurt most was that she used picking up Rach as a weapon to infer that I had used her. Now, if she was a mom she would understand a few things. She would understand that I would never want anyone else picking up my child from daycare, she would realise that I cried everytime I had to work slave labour hours at work, that I wished I could have a moment to paint my toes or have a glass of wine but would never ever choose that over drooly kisses and chubby hands. She would have known that I needed just a genuine, caring heart to be my friend, that when I complained of being tired I was just that TIRED…not annoyed or irritated…just tired.

I heard her web of lies through people who cared enough to tell me but by then I realised my mistake. Rach was robbed the opportunity to have someone love her. Former friend had not walked away from me, she had walked away from the purest little soul she had encountered.

So, when she attempted to reconcile a while later I rejected the idea. I fired her from our lives. I would not make the same mistake again. She would not be allowed to try to taint the reputation of a child again with the title of burden.

So, I learnt a valuable lesson, one I will probably always feel guilty about. But I guess its part of mommyhood – we go through the lessons that we hope they will never have to go through!

Sigh!

Rant over (this happened 2 years ago so this was well overdue and yes, I feel much better now!)

K

Making castles from boxes: Keeping a princess busy

Rachel loves role play and dress up. Like every little girl she wants to be a princess and loves castles!!! Unfortunately her new Princess Hello Kitty is castle-less right now as the other dolls have taken over the other 3 castles we have so we decided to make a castle.

Developmental areas:
Cutting to pattern
Assembling according to sequence
Listening whilst following instructions
Patience (we literall had to watch paint dry)

What you will need:
3 Boxes of different sizes (use those left over from Christmas gifts)
Empty Toilet roll or empty gift wrap rolls (cut into towers)
Left over gift wrap or Christmas cracker paper
Paint
Paper
Lots of tape
Glue
Markers
Creativity to draw in details or a Hunky Hubby

Glue and tape boxes together. I kept the one side open to allow the castle doors to.swing open for Hello Kitty to play in.

Paint paint paint. You can also cover with left over gift wrap. We used left over paper from the Christmas crackers to cover the tall tower. Covering would be quicker. We had to wait a full day for the paint to dry!

Cover the sized rolls with left over wrapping or paint and assemble on the box framework. You will need 9 of these.

Cut the top of the rolls to create the tower look. Hunky Hubby folded in every alternate cut for an awesome look!

Stick onto the frame. We used super glue 🙂

Add details by drawing the windows and doors and make a flag with a toothpick and paper.

Hello Kitty moved in straight away!!!!

We also love that the “doors” open so that Hello Kitty can invite the Polly Pockets and Barbies over!!!

Rachy has been playing for about 2 hours with the new creation! I even managed to enjoy a full mug of steaming coffee and Hunky Hubby took a well deserved nap!!!

Enjoy some family time everyone!!

K

Letters to my baby: Sometimes people do the strangest things – #no2xenophobia

My sweet Pup,

Three years ago mummy and daddy decided to come back to South Africa so that you would be able to be part of this amazing nation. Your Daddy hasn’t seen his family in 4 years, but he maintains that you carry the essense of this land – and his – so its all worth it.

A few days ago a band of misled individuals started a campaign to do some really awful things to our fellow Africans and other International groups…this soon spread to including race groups within South Africa that are seen as “unAfrican” including us, South African Indians. Mummy and daddy started thinking and our thoughts start and end with you.

Out of this ugly situation comes one solid message I’d like to share my baby. People are like M&Ms…colour does not change the fact that we all really are exactly the same on the inside. Do not get angry because those around you are, do not let fear define and dictate your actions, my pup.

In these moments I pray that in your future people will think before they act, that the youth embraces their past instead of trying to erase it by taking down statues, that those not affected directly by the dark notions of Apartheid tried harder to stop bringing it back in any form and that South Africa lives up to the expectations we all had in 1994 – the same expectations that brought us back here in 2012.

Remember that your legacy stems back to those brought from India to toil this land but your feet have walked the African soil since you were born. You are African my love, you are Indian and foremost, you are the future.