Balancing joy and grief on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a bitter sweet one for me. I have two amazing children here who I adore with every cell in my body and I have a little boy in heaven who I mourn with that same amount of energy.

I understand it’s tough to understand if you are not part of this very uncomfortable club but there is a certain amount of sadness that still seeps into the festivities every year that is tough to explain and even harder to balance.

Firstly I’d like to say upfront that remembering Aaron does not mean I have not addressed the loss. It does not mean I am regressing or depressed or that I need additional intervention. It does not take away from the blessings I know I hold, or from the absolute happiness my children bring me. It does not mean that I am dwelling on the past, or impact my ability to live my life and it absolutely has no indication of my current state of mind.

What it does mean is that I remember, that I feel, that I love and that I am human.

I will never stop wondering how he would have looked, what his voice would have sounded like, what color eyes he would have had. I will never stop imagining if his laughter would be from his tummy like his brother, or if his eyes would have sparkled like his sister. I will never stop craving 3 sets of hands around my neck on this day. Never. And that’s ok. It’s also ok if you don’t understand, it’s not a club I want you to ever be part of. Everyone handles memories differently and I choose to remember my son and say his name daily, and this day is no different. He is not a bad memory, he is a glorious gift. So when I say his name, even if it comes with a payer of longing, recognize my need to share him with you – not on your fear of death or your perception of the grief process.

The challenge for me personally has been the fear of my words being seen as a sign that I’m unraveling and that can’t be further from the truth. Talking about Aaron and how I am feeling on this day shows how open I am to revealing my emotions and enabling those around me to understand how I feel

It is my way of ensuing that I do not allowing my emotions to explode in dramatic ways and 7 years after his loss, it’s still a struggle. But that’s normal too. What I know for sure is that grief never goes away, we simply learn how to integrate it better as the years go by. I have already accepted Grief as an ally on this journey. It no longer represents loss of control or helplessness, it’s now a statement of the power of love and the gratitude that comes with his memory

So on this day I focus on only what brings me joy and that has taken time to see. It brings me joy to be celebrated by Rach and Dani so amazingly. The ice cold coffee mugs have now been replaced by warm ones. The squiggly photos are now full on portraits and the excited squeals are now weekend long squeals as we work through the DIY mummy spa days, cuddles during movie night and productions created just for me with sock puppets and DIY songs about bedtime songs and kisses! The tears of joy and the happiness I fee is real and takes my breath away.

I can be happy on this day, the grief is not raw anymore.

I also make a special effort to feel Aaron’s joy in these moments knowing he is around them. I feel his butterfly kisses and my dreams are filled with him. I allow myself to laugh and cry and be, and I focus on creating amazing memories with my babies and on being in the present, fully immersed in their love, joy and innocence.

Loss of a child forever changes a person. It doesn’t matter the time that lapses, it’s hard. My grief is my own, and I did not choose it. But I can choose to celebrate life and being a mum to all my babies in the way I know how.

I do not rely on others to determine how I parent my children on earth, and I do not allow others to determine how I remember my baby in heaven either. Mummy knows best!

Be kind this Mother’s Day. It’s tough for so many, and for so many different reasons. Recognize the moodiness, tears and ups and downs as signs that she is trying. And acknowledge the journey, without minimizing the part of her heart that lives in a place where she cannot go.

Love and light everyone!

Keshnie

When the inner child tries to parent

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Inner Child Image – Artist on design

There’s the little girl inside me that is fighting to be heard. She emerges when I least expect it and like an innocent child she can act in ways that takes my breathe away. She doesn’t trust easily, and can sometime retreat into a corner wanting to be alone, even when the ones around her are reaching out with love. She’s unpredictable and wounded from years of emotional abuse and decades of words used as weapons against her vulnerable soul.

There’s a part of me that wants her to go away. And there’s a part of me that wants to hold her and comfort her and tell her that it’s ok. Her emotions are so deep and raw that I find myself overwhelmed at times – and it sends the adult me running away in fear of this little bundle of hurt and pain.

She holds all my past secrets, all my guilt and shames. She’s the keeper of the words left unsaid and the hurts of yester year. It’s a heavy burden for someone so little to carry but she seems programmed to soldier on.

My inner child is a wounded pre teen and lately it’s been hard to shoo her away. The self healing interventions that I know so well don’t tell you that the healing is only the beginning – and that the only way to truly break free from the terrors of the past, is to eliminate from your life those who don’t care enough to admit their wrongs. And those who continue to act in ways that rob you off your safety.

I was raised in a glass house family. Perfection was demanded and the privilege of doing your best was reserved purely for my parents. For me, the only option was to be the best, always. Mistakes were not allowed, sharing emotions and thoughts were not allowed, being a child was not allowed. What was important was what people thought you were, that was it.

I find myself needing to let you know that I don’t think my parent did not love me. I’m sure they did, and as I type this I’m annoyed that I still feel the need to protect them all these years. The excuses about being too young to fully know how to parent, of not having good role models themselves and of giving us all the luxuries they could does not take away the hurt and pain cause by repetitive behavior and selfish acts.

What I have learnt is that loving parents do not swear at their little girls. Loving parents do not constantly demand to be validated for everything their child does and does not seek to compete with or take credit for every achievement and goal reached. Loving parents do not destroy their child’s self esteem and body image, loving parents do no isolate and dominate and loving parents do not bring violence, manipulation and threats into conversations just because they can.

Loving daughters do not need to be perfect, they do not need to prove their love constantly over overlooking the bad behavior, the violence, the slandering of others and the day to day fear that they live in. Loving daughters do not need to lie for their parents. They do not need to pretend they have lived a perfect childhood or be forced to just move on after a lifetime of emotional pain. Loving daughters don’t need to keep loving just because of blood ties at the expense of their mental health and spiritual wellbeing. Loving daughters do not need to parent their parents.

I have been pretty good at protecting my kids from reliving my past but it’s become harder now as they grow into their own. Sometimes I feel like the lessons of the past are bubbling beneath what I know to be right and kind, and they fight to emerge and threaten to continue into the next generation.

It’s hard being a parent when the ones you had chose to provide things, instead of love or compassion. It’s hard to not feel challenged when your kids are being kids, but you don’t know what that feels like. It’s hard making mistakes when you know you should do better. It’s hard but I’ve learnt it’s not impossible.

I look into my children’s eyes and I see innocence and unconditional love. I see strong spirits and creative minds. I refuse to silence their laughter or use them as pawns in my game of life. I refuse to see them as things I own, as opposed to the gifts that they are. They are not the ones who should be grateful, I am.

So I will keep that little girl inside me at bay with every once of my being and I will continue to confront those issues and fight for her as an adult. I will be the mother my kids need, not the one I had or the one I wish I had. I will be their protector and their confidant but I will also guide them to be good humans capable of forming healthy relationships. I will continue to create a world made up of real moments and memories whilst embracing the imperfections. I will work on my relationship with that little girl inside so that she understands it happens to her, it does not define her and just because it cake from them – doesn’t make it real or right.

And I will love and always be kind, because this is who I am outside of the experiences that took so much.

It’s tough being a mother when you have carried such wounds for so long. But it’s possible.

Love and light, K

Banting Faijitas with crispy tortillas!

Prep time: 20min

Prep to plate: 1 hour

Banting Roti Recipe banting roti

Our 10 years sailing the 7 seas on cruise ships, and Hunky Hubby being a chef, means I feel the need to be innovative with very little time and virtually no patience. A favourite in my home are Fajitas….quick to prep, fun to eat and versatile. Having eating fajitas in Mexico and Puerto Rico, these come pretty close and my 5 year old princess loves them too!

Accompaniments

Quick, easy, green list!

Manic Mummy

Banting Victories: Banting Roti Recipe

As a carb intolerant, busy mum and full time career woman, I am always looking for quick and easy ways to make my “roti” and eat it too!
This recipe took about 3 weeks to perfect by it is really quick, easy and delicious! Completely waistline friendly and greenlist so enjoy!

Place under the grill in an oven for a few minutes to re heat or if you want a firmer feel!

Happy women’s day!!!

Manic Mummy!

Mummy meets ideal world

Being a mummy in my ideal world would mean:

Alarm clocks would be banned –

My babies would be able to sleep until they were not sleepy anymore and wake up ready for the day. My time would not be limited by the traffic flow or the corporate clock, my time would be a concept by which attention was staggered throughout the day

No extra long school days:

I would be able to pick up my kids when that school bell rang, and not have their aftercare angels gather them for the second half of an already long day. I would be able to bring them home for a relaxing family lunch before we chat and enjoy the day

Bedtime would be relaxing:

I would not have to fit everything into the 2 hours before bedtime. Right now we get home at 6pm and bedtime is at 7:30pm. That leaves 1.5 hours for dinner, bathtime, bedtime stories, a cuddle and evening recap. Impossible to actually enjoy it!

Weekends would be action packed:

In my ideal world I would not be exhausted during the weekend. I woulf not have to catch up on work or clean the house and be able to spend quality time with my family. Weekends would be filled with games, outings and baking!

Hubby and I would have time to enjoy each other

Its been 6 years since we have had a date, 6 years since we have relaxed in bed until 9am, 6 years since we were able to really talk. Our lives would be balanced and we would be able to concentrate on each other while life is passing us by

School holidays would be holidays

Imagine being able to actually go on holiday, having the oportunity to take the kids to the sea and see new places! Holiday club would be an option, not the only choice and the whole family would be excited to leave and a little sad to return

The balance would be easy

I struggle with the balance, with the mummy guilt, the wife guilt and the employee guilt. Having a sick baby draws emotions and energy from each of these areas and often the stress really is caused by irrational guilt at not being perfect. I prioritise family and am proud my support system does too

I probably still would not think I was doing enough

Becoming a wife and a mummy is glorious and terrifying all at once. You are no longer one, suddenly your actions affect others and their reality. All I can do is try to always build up, to always be kind, to speak from love and to understand, I’m only human!

Sigh!

In an ideal would, what kind of mummy would you be?

Manic Mummy K

When mummy threw a tantrum

I couldn’t breathe! My head was pounding, I was hungry and thirsty and just needed a break. Both kids had been bathed and fed, the house had been tidied. I had had a full day at work, virtually no sleep since Tiger was born 7 months ago and huge deadlines to meet. I just needed a break. And then it happened. They called for me…..each in their own way – all at the same time. 

I felt my insides turn, my head spin and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or cry. Why did everyone always need me? Can no one make a decision? I didn’t want to decide what to eat, or what to play with or what to watch. I wanted to sit in the dark and stare at my phone or read a book or shower without someone needing something.

I heard myself scream….but it was more like I was watching someone else scream. I told all of them to leave me alone, then I stormed around in a circle and moaned about how no one ever put anything where it was meant to be. I didn’t make eye contact, I didn’t “adult”, I tantrumed!

I felt little eyes and big eyes open wide. I saw first concern, then confusion and then irritation, but I didn’t care. I stormed off to the car and proceeded to start it. I drove out the gate, 2 streets down and then turned back and sat in the parking lot and cried. Honestly this is not the first time I have felt this way and I don’t know why I feel this way either. I don’t hate my responsibilities, I don’t want a break from my kids or my husband – I just don’t want to adult all the time. 

I walked back into a house filled with toys and things piled where they shouldn’t be. Back into a space where eyes watched me, while loving hands hastily make me a cup of hot tea and little hands played with my hair, all to the tunes of Frozen. I walked back to drooly kisses and absolute love. And I decided that I could adult for just a little bit more….maybe!

K

10 tips to help you discipline effectively!

Are you struggling with tantrums, sudden bursts of anger and slamming doors? 

Did your once sweet angel suddenly become a little gremlin who screams and cries for the smallest thing? 

Are you worried because you are not that great with discipline?

If you answered yes to any of the above, fear not! Here’s 10 of the best tips for handling those very stressful situations like a pro!

1) Don’t do what they do

I know it’s tempting to stamp your foot right back at them, but try your best not to. If they scream, go quieter. If they hit, move back. Allow the anger to unfold and do not say a word until it is done

2) Involve your child in the choice of discipline

Ask them what they think should happen if they break the rules. My 5 year old “chose” the naughty corner for the 1st step, a sad face on her reward chart if the behaviour persists  (which means no surprise on Friday) and finally the most serious consequence – a toy gets put into the charity box and gets given away on Friday  (and she cannot decide which toy it is).

3) Be consistent

You at your significant other need to have a chat and you both need to stick to the same game plan. No good cop, bad cop this time! Also, enforce the same rules all the time. There is no free day!

4)  Encourage good behavior in ways that promote good behavior 

Try not to bribe your child to do things. We are all guilty of promising them extra screen time if they shower immediately or a toy on Friday if they stop shouting at the mall. Rather encourage good behavior by reminding them of the consequences e.g start moving the chair to the naughty corner or bring out the reward chart and a pen. It also held to remind them of the time they did what they were meant to do and how proud/happy/amazed you were.

5) Be fair

We all have bad days. Don’t hold your child to higher expectations than we hold ourselves to. They are only just learning to control their feelings and play nice, and they have off days, tired days, quiet days, etc. Discipline when it is needed only and do not bring up past issues as reminders if no issues currently exist.

6) Be careful of labelling them

Choose your words carefully. We create the labels that our kids will internalize and live. Saying ugly words out of anger is not ideal and should be avoided. Inc out, 

7) Be the change you wish to see

Children learn what they live so let you actions towards them and others always reflect what you want them to emulate.

8) Remember you are shaping the future

Above all else, remember they are little people growing into the parents of tomorrow. And they only stay little for this long.

9) Too much of anything is bad

Too much screen time is as dangerous as constant correction or too much sweet or processed foods. Limit anything that might adversely affect the way your child, or you think. Remember too much screen time for you is just as bad. I recently saw a 2 year old at the mall push his mums phone away so he could look at her while he spoke!

10) Embrace family time and instill values 

Eat together, play together, make eye contact, put away your phone or tablet when you are around your kids. It’s amazing how loved you feel when someone looks at you and gives you their full attention. Establish your family values by using a simple starting point: In this house we…..heres ours….

You are doing great!

Manic Mummy

Mother Day- The difference between a mother and a mummy

I woke up this morning to Pup (who’s 5, going on 16) staring me down. She was sitting on my bed in her doctor’s dress up outfit, with my new blue stilettos on her tiny feet, and tapping a notepad. Clearly annoyed that I had slept passed 6:15am, she brushed a curl away from her eyes and announced, “Mother, what would you like for Mothers Day? We need to plan you know!”. 

With Mother’s Day swiftly approaching and Pup being the planner that she is (she unfortunately gets that from me), this conversation was expected. What was unexpected was how much the word “Mother” affected me. When did I go from “Mummy” to “Mother”, and why did this have me almost in tears?

I gulped down my coffee as I pondered what these words meant to me, and the significance of Mother’s Day as a whole. To me a mother is someone who has children, but a mummy is someone so much more. A mummy is the one who gives hugs that lasts forever, always accompanied by a back run….mmmmmm. A mummy keeps all your secrets, even the one about that time you broke dads sunglasses when you were 8. A mummy  is always in your corner – with pom poms and cheesy noodles (yes, that’s my favourite meal – extra cheese please). So why for goodness sake was I now Mother?

Now, Mothers Day was always huge in my house growing up. My mummy always got a handmade card and a pressie (never flowers, she doeant like to watch them die). My brother, 9 years my junior (the kid’s Uncle Bravo ) would make her coffee (with cold water of course), and she would diligently drink it without a single gag. Hunky Hubby isn’t the best present buyer ever (experiences win over pressies in his book), but he will always make sure I have my favourite meal (he’s a chef ladies!) and that he’s home early….and Pup and now Tiger will grow up celebrating the day as a pretty big deal. To me, Mothers Day isn’t about validating the world’s best mother, or even being overly gushy about all the good deeds that have been done. It’s a day of reflection, a day to be thankful simply that you had a mum – be it a mummy or a mother.

The relationship might have been a fairytale one or perhaps more like a horror movie or well cast drama series, but hey, life’s not perfect and people are people. So, on this day – reflect! Look back with gratitude that you lived the joy, or look back that you lived through it, but be grateful to the person who gave you the chance to experience it at all. 

I asked Pup if she could please call me Mummy again and gave me a lopsided smile. “Of course….you are my mummy for always”. Such a sweet word from the one that made me a mother, and created a mummy in me.

10 best pieces of advice about life as a mother

So recently at a colleague’s baby shower, as I sat with a group of always entertaining ladies, the topic of kids came up. As usual we chatted about our experiences and shared some giggles, followed by a few awkward moments  (and raised eyebrows) when we realised just how different we react in situations (yes, you know who you are!). 

Now, there is no doubt we love our babies (yes, fur babies count too Lady Unicorn), but the things that come out of our mouths sometimes could not be imagined by the best authors – and our tales are true!

Later, I pondered how motherhood makes us do and say the strangest things. As mom’s we do it all the time. We often find ourselves in situations that are hilariously ridiculous, but we do what we need to do for our kids. We line up to meet purple dinosaurs that talk and dance, we hit inanimate objects when they “trip” or “hit” our babies and we kiss mud covered everythings to make them feel better. That’s part of the joy of motherhood, it makes us do things we never thought we’d do! 

So often we stumble into others in similar situations, and share a little wry smile as we wrestle with shopping bags and balance the tantrum throwing toddler and the I PAD toting 5 year old. I love those little moments when I catch the eye of someone and understand fully and completely what they are going through, or when your best friend looks at you like you are in the middle of total chaos but it really is just your happy family being “normal” (I feel you Merry M!). 

So, here’s some of the advice that I’ve been given by well meaning parents who have “been there and done that”:

1) This too will pass- no, really it will. And soon another stage will emerge scarier than the last, and that will pass too.

2) They are only that age once, enjoy them

Thanks for this one and I really am trying to enjoy them in between the whining and moaning and questioning.

3) They mature so much in a year!

This one is surprisingly true. There is a huge difference between a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Its weird because the changes are not that evident later on, but the first 8 years are crazy!

4) There will be time to breathe in a few years – and then you will have your next one!

5) Big school is not as fun as you think it will be. 

I thought it would be easy. Parents learn and mature as much as the kids do and it’s not always an easy process to transition to the uniformity

6) Discipline is pivotal. 

Yes, I know that but it’s hard! I’m not great at disciplining when it comes to my baby, so it’s been quite a ride finding what works for Pup. Some choose to deter with a firm hit on the diaper, some (like us) choose the option of the naughty corner combined with the reward chart and still others think up more creative ways – including a pet gate and a “shocking” outcome  (yes, yes I’m talking about you Madam A!).

7) Your marriage changes forever – make it for the better. 

Kids change dynamics. Don’t stop being a team. Love him more, give her the support she needs. 

8) Fill your cup before you can help others.

I learnt this only recently (after Tiger was born). With Pup I basically learnt to live on air and love. Sleep is still a scarce commodity but at least I make sure I get my monthly massage and I take 2 hours on a Saturday to do what makes me happy- scouring the 3nd.hand stores or working on my books.

9) Don’t lose yourself

Being a mum adds to your essence, it does not strip you off your identity

10) Don’t overthink or worry so much that you stop having fun. Laugh loudly, dance in the rain, ignore the laundry and the dirty dishes to cuddle and relax

Good luck with your journey, enjoy the ride!

K

10 lessons learnt from my in laws

So, my in laws recently arrived from halfway across the world and have been with us about a month now. They had not seen their me or their son (Hunky Hubby) for 6 years, and it was the first time seeing Pup (5 years) and Tiger (4 months). I must say I was a bit nervous not knowing what to expect. It has been a magnificent reunion and I have learnt certain lessons that I will carry with me for always.

1) Retain your innocence

My in laws are in their well into 70s, and I really am in awe of their ability to just “be”. They are truly honest in their interactions and they impart a certain aura of innocence. Nothing is ever said in malice and nothing is taken too seriously. Conversation is light, words are simple and the emphasis is always on what went right. It make me realise that somewhere along the way I had started taking life way to seriously and stopped enjoying it!

2) Marry for companionship 

I watch them together as they sit in comfortable silence, pray together or help each other prep a meal, and love the ease they interact with. Obviously this has been perfected over the years, but it is evident they truly enjoy each others company. Even little annoyances are handled with good humour and a good measure of respect. Its more than love, they genuinely care for each other. I have learnt that we should keep talking to each other, not at each other and that marriage is a wonderful journey that keeps getting more exciting – if you nurture it. What amazing role models for marriage!

3) Kids will be kids

I’m actually talking about Hunky Hubby and I here….his mum and dad treat me with such love and tenderness that it literally brings me to tears. When I am tired or hungry or a combination of both they go into parent mode immediately and without a sound food is brought, and full attention is on me. Feels good to be a kid at the tender age of 35. I am lapping it up. I will always be sure to love Pup and Tiger the same way……never intrusive, never invasive, always supportive.

4) Silence doesn’t mean anyone is upset

I’m not sure why but I have always associated sudden silence with someone being upset. I have learnt that it probably just means they are busy doing something else or just having a quiet moment. It’s been amazing to not have to think about the emotions everyone else might be feeling, and walking on egg shells, and to be able to just get on with being me! I never have to ask if they are ok, because they never make me feel like they wouldn’t tell me if they were not!

5) Laugh loudly and freely

Why do we often lose the ability to truly laugh? The overly joyous moments become fewer and fewer replaced by the need to seem in contril. Since my in laws have come to visit I find myself laughing with reckless, wild abandon again….head in the air, belly aching kind of laughs. Their joy is infectious I guess! I’m a big kid laughing at funny noises Pup makes or at the weird sound that came from the blender, instead of the usual “what was that sound?”. I like this me!

6) Don’t sweat the little stuff

I found that I have stopped asking why, and I have lost the need to always be right. I’m not sure when it happened but when it did I felt lighter and kinder and happier. No more random bickering, no more questioning of everyting, no needing to know every detail. My in laws never ask too many questions or try to give advice. They accept that some things are a certain way (like my routine with the kids, the Sat as-much-TV-as-you-like rule, etc) and go about their merry way enjoying these moments as if they approve 500%. One of the most powerful lessons to date as been this one.

7) Do the things you love

My mum in law loves gardening and my father in law loves reading. He naps in the morning, she naps in the afternoon. She’s a adventurous eater, he isn’t. They do not try to adapt these preferences. They each do what they enjoy doing and embrace their differences with ease. They have never raised their voices to anyone or used a harsh word. Everything they do….they do with love.

8) Enjoy life!

At their age they have such gusto and passion for life. They truly enjoy each day, savour every morsel of food and appreciate the little things. They have such patience with the kids (and us big kids too). In the month they have been here there has not been a single sideways glance passed between them or a single moody moment, it’s like living in a zero judgment zone – enlightening!

9) Love equally

Never once have I felt side lined or overlooked. I have had some quiet moments and even then what I got in return was a back rub and hot tea! When Tiger and Pup bring their chosen loves into my home I will treat them as I have been treated….with love, acceptance and not an ounce of judgment or superiority. I am a lucky lucky lucky girl!

10) It’s ok to be different 

I have yet to meet 2 people so different and yet so alike. Any difference of opinion is acknowledged and accepted as a point of view and that’s it – they move on. They have, through the years, determined who is good at what and an immediate balance is seen. They are not clones of each other and neither is trying to change the other. 

Sigh, I am going to miss them terribly when they leave but they leave me changed in ways that they probably will never realise. I guess this is my way of thanking them for making me a better wife, a better mom, a better me! It really is possible to love your in laws!

Love

Manic Me