Balancing joy and grief on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a bitter sweet one for me. I have two amazing children here who I adore with every cell in my body and I have a little boy in heaven who I mourn with that same amount of energy.

I understand it’s tough to understand if you are not part of this very uncomfortable club but there is a certain amount of sadness that still seeps into the festivities every year that is tough to explain and even harder to balance.

Firstly I’d like to say upfront that remembering Aaron does not mean I have not addressed the loss. It does not mean I am regressing or depressed or that I need additional intervention. It does not take away from the blessings I know I hold, or from the absolute happiness my children bring me. It does not mean that I am dwelling on the past, or impact my ability to live my life and it absolutely has no indication of my current state of mind.

What it does mean is that I remember, that I feel, that I love and that I am human.

I will never stop wondering how he would have looked, what his voice would have sounded like, what color eyes he would have had. I will never stop imagining if his laughter would be from his tummy like his brother, or if his eyes would have sparkled like his sister. I will never stop craving 3 sets of hands around my neck on this day. Never. And that’s ok. It’s also ok if you don’t understand, it’s not a club I want you to ever be part of. Everyone handles memories differently and I choose to remember my son and say his name daily, and this day is no different. He is not a bad memory, he is a glorious gift. So when I say his name, even if it comes with a payer of longing, recognize my need to share him with you – not on your fear of death or your perception of the grief process.

The challenge for me personally has been the fear of my words being seen as a sign that I’m unraveling and that can’t be further from the truth. Talking about Aaron and how I am feeling on this day shows how open I am to revealing my emotions and enabling those around me to understand how I feel

It is my way of ensuing that I do not allowing my emotions to explode in dramatic ways and 7 years after his loss, it’s still a struggle. But that’s normal too. What I know for sure is that grief never goes away, we simply learn how to integrate it better as the years go by. I have already accepted Grief as an ally on this journey. It no longer represents loss of control or helplessness, it’s now a statement of the power of love and the gratitude that comes with his memory

So on this day I focus on only what brings me joy and that has taken time to see. It brings me joy to be celebrated by Rach and Dani so amazingly. The ice cold coffee mugs have now been replaced by warm ones. The squiggly photos are now full on portraits and the excited squeals are now weekend long squeals as we work through the DIY mummy spa days, cuddles during movie night and productions created just for me with sock puppets and DIY songs about bedtime songs and kisses! The tears of joy and the happiness I fee is real and takes my breath away.

I can be happy on this day, the grief is not raw anymore.

I also make a special effort to feel Aaron’s joy in these moments knowing he is around them. I feel his butterfly kisses and my dreams are filled with him. I allow myself to laugh and cry and be, and I focus on creating amazing memories with my babies and on being in the present, fully immersed in their love, joy and innocence.

Loss of a child forever changes a person. It doesn’t matter the time that lapses, it’s hard. My grief is my own, and I did not choose it. But I can choose to celebrate life and being a mum to all my babies in the way I know how.

I do not rely on others to determine how I parent my children on earth, and I do not allow others to determine how I remember my baby in heaven either. Mummy knows best!

Be kind this Mother’s Day. It’s tough for so many, and for so many different reasons. Recognize the moodiness, tears and ups and downs as signs that she is trying. And acknowledge the journey, without minimizing the part of her heart that lives in a place where she cannot go.

Love and light everyone!

Keshnie

Banting Victories: Banting Roti Recipe

As a carb intolerant, busy mum and full time career woman, I am always looking for quick and easy ways to make my “roti” and eat it too!
This recipe took about 3 weeks to perfect by it is really quick, easy and delicious! Completely waistline friendly and greenlist so enjoy!

Place under the grill in an oven for a few minutes to re heat or if you want a firmer feel!

Happy women’s day!!!

Manic Mummy!

Mummy meets ideal world

Being a mummy in my ideal world would mean:

Alarm clocks would be banned –

My babies would be able to sleep until they were not sleepy anymore and wake up ready for the day. My time would not be limited by the traffic flow or the corporate clock, my time would be a concept by which attention was staggered throughout the day

No extra long school days:

I would be able to pick up my kids when that school bell rang, and not have their aftercare angels gather them for the second half of an already long day. I would be able to bring them home for a relaxing family lunch before we chat and enjoy the day

Bedtime would be relaxing:

I would not have to fit everything into the 2 hours before bedtime. Right now we get home at 6pm and bedtime is at 7:30pm. That leaves 1.5 hours for dinner, bathtime, bedtime stories, a cuddle and evening recap. Impossible to actually enjoy it!

Weekends would be action packed:

In my ideal world I would not be exhausted during the weekend. I woulf not have to catch up on work or clean the house and be able to spend quality time with my family. Weekends would be filled with games, outings and baking!

Hubby and I would have time to enjoy each other

Its been 6 years since we have had a date, 6 years since we have relaxed in bed until 9am, 6 years since we were able to really talk. Our lives would be balanced and we would be able to concentrate on each other while life is passing us by

School holidays would be holidays

Imagine being able to actually go on holiday, having the oportunity to take the kids to the sea and see new places! Holiday club would be an option, not the only choice and the whole family would be excited to leave and a little sad to return

The balance would be easy

I struggle with the balance, with the mummy guilt, the wife guilt and the employee guilt. Having a sick baby draws emotions and energy from each of these areas and often the stress really is caused by irrational guilt at not being perfect. I prioritise family and am proud my support system does too

I probably still would not think I was doing enough

Becoming a wife and a mummy is glorious and terrifying all at once. You are no longer one, suddenly your actions affect others and their reality. All I can do is try to always build up, to always be kind, to speak from love and to understand, I’m only human!

Sigh!

In an ideal would, what kind of mummy would you be?

Manic Mummy K

When mummy threw a tantrum

I couldn’t breathe! My head was pounding, I was hungry and thirsty and just needed a break. Both kids had been bathed and fed, the house had been tidied. I had had a full day at work, virtually no sleep since Tiger was born 7 months ago and huge deadlines to meet. I just needed a break. And then it happened. They called for me…..each in their own way – all at the same time. 

I felt my insides turn, my head spin and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or cry. Why did everyone always need me? Can no one make a decision? I didn’t want to decide what to eat, or what to play with or what to watch. I wanted to sit in the dark and stare at my phone or read a book or shower without someone needing something.

I heard myself scream….but it was more like I was watching someone else scream. I told all of them to leave me alone, then I stormed around in a circle and moaned about how no one ever put anything where it was meant to be. I didn’t make eye contact, I didn’t “adult”, I tantrumed!

I felt little eyes and big eyes open wide. I saw first concern, then confusion and then irritation, but I didn’t care. I stormed off to the car and proceeded to start it. I drove out the gate, 2 streets down and then turned back and sat in the parking lot and cried. Honestly this is not the first time I have felt this way and I don’t know why I feel this way either. I don’t hate my responsibilities, I don’t want a break from my kids or my husband – I just don’t want to adult all the time. 

I walked back into a house filled with toys and things piled where they shouldn’t be. Back into a space where eyes watched me, while loving hands hastily make me a cup of hot tea and little hands played with my hair, all to the tunes of Frozen. I walked back to drooly kisses and absolute love. And I decided that I could adult for just a little bit more….maybe!

K

10 best pieces of advice about life as a mother

So recently at a colleague’s baby shower, as I sat with a group of always entertaining ladies, the topic of kids came up. As usual we chatted about our experiences and shared some giggles, followed by a few awkward moments  (and raised eyebrows) when we realised just how different we react in situations (yes, you know who you are!). 

Now, there is no doubt we love our babies (yes, fur babies count too Lady Unicorn), but the things that come out of our mouths sometimes could not be imagined by the best authors – and our tales are true!

Later, I pondered how motherhood makes us do and say the strangest things. As mom’s we do it all the time. We often find ourselves in situations that are hilariously ridiculous, but we do what we need to do for our kids. We line up to meet purple dinosaurs that talk and dance, we hit inanimate objects when they “trip” or “hit” our babies and we kiss mud covered everythings to make them feel better. That’s part of the joy of motherhood, it makes us do things we never thought we’d do! 

So often we stumble into others in similar situations, and share a little wry smile as we wrestle with shopping bags and balance the tantrum throwing toddler and the I PAD toting 5 year old. I love those little moments when I catch the eye of someone and understand fully and completely what they are going through, or when your best friend looks at you like you are in the middle of total chaos but it really is just your happy family being “normal” (I feel you Merry M!). 

So, here’s some of the advice that I’ve been given by well meaning parents who have “been there and done that”:

1) This too will pass- no, really it will. And soon another stage will emerge scarier than the last, and that will pass too.

2) They are only that age once, enjoy them

Thanks for this one and I really am trying to enjoy them in between the whining and moaning and questioning.

3) They mature so much in a year!

This one is surprisingly true. There is a huge difference between a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Its weird because the changes are not that evident later on, but the first 8 years are crazy!

4) There will be time to breathe in a few years – and then you will have your next one!

5) Big school is not as fun as you think it will be. 

I thought it would be easy. Parents learn and mature as much as the kids do and it’s not always an easy process to transition to the uniformity

6) Discipline is pivotal. 

Yes, I know that but it’s hard! I’m not great at disciplining when it comes to my baby, so it’s been quite a ride finding what works for Pup. Some choose to deter with a firm hit on the diaper, some (like us) choose the option of the naughty corner combined with the reward chart and still others think up more creative ways – including a pet gate and a “shocking” outcome  (yes, yes I’m talking about you Madam A!).

7) Your marriage changes forever – make it for the better. 

Kids change dynamics. Don’t stop being a team. Love him more, give her the support she needs. 

8) Fill your cup before you can help others.

I learnt this only recently (after Tiger was born). With Pup I basically learnt to live on air and love. Sleep is still a scarce commodity but at least I make sure I get my monthly massage and I take 2 hours on a Saturday to do what makes me happy- scouring the 3nd.hand stores or working on my books.

9) Don’t lose yourself

Being a mum adds to your essence, it does not strip you off your identity

10) Don’t overthink or worry so much that you stop having fun. Laugh loudly, dance in the rain, ignore the laundry and the dirty dishes to cuddle and relax

Good luck with your journey, enjoy the ride!

K

10 lessons learnt from my in laws

So, my in laws recently arrived from halfway across the world and have been with us about a month now. They had not seen their me or their son (Hunky Hubby) for 6 years, and it was the first time seeing Pup (5 years) and Tiger (4 months). I must say I was a bit nervous not knowing what to expect. It has been a magnificent reunion and I have learnt certain lessons that I will carry with me for always.

1) Retain your innocence

My in laws are in their well into 70s, and I really am in awe of their ability to just “be”. They are truly honest in their interactions and they impart a certain aura of innocence. Nothing is ever said in malice and nothing is taken too seriously. Conversation is light, words are simple and the emphasis is always on what went right. It make me realise that somewhere along the way I had started taking life way to seriously and stopped enjoying it!

2) Marry for companionship 

I watch them together as they sit in comfortable silence, pray together or help each other prep a meal, and love the ease they interact with. Obviously this has been perfected over the years, but it is evident they truly enjoy each others company. Even little annoyances are handled with good humour and a good measure of respect. Its more than love, they genuinely care for each other. I have learnt that we should keep talking to each other, not at each other and that marriage is a wonderful journey that keeps getting more exciting – if you nurture it. What amazing role models for marriage!

3) Kids will be kids

I’m actually talking about Hunky Hubby and I here….his mum and dad treat me with such love and tenderness that it literally brings me to tears. When I am tired or hungry or a combination of both they go into parent mode immediately and without a sound food is brought, and full attention is on me. Feels good to be a kid at the tender age of 35. I am lapping it up. I will always be sure to love Pup and Tiger the same way……never intrusive, never invasive, always supportive.

4) Silence doesn’t mean anyone is upset

I’m not sure why but I have always associated sudden silence with someone being upset. I have learnt that it probably just means they are busy doing something else or just having a quiet moment. It’s been amazing to not have to think about the emotions everyone else might be feeling, and walking on egg shells, and to be able to just get on with being me! I never have to ask if they are ok, because they never make me feel like they wouldn’t tell me if they were not!

5) Laugh loudly and freely

Why do we often lose the ability to truly laugh? The overly joyous moments become fewer and fewer replaced by the need to seem in contril. Since my in laws have come to visit I find myself laughing with reckless, wild abandon again….head in the air, belly aching kind of laughs. Their joy is infectious I guess! I’m a big kid laughing at funny noises Pup makes or at the weird sound that came from the blender, instead of the usual “what was that sound?”. I like this me!

6) Don’t sweat the little stuff

I found that I have stopped asking why, and I have lost the need to always be right. I’m not sure when it happened but when it did I felt lighter and kinder and happier. No more random bickering, no more questioning of everyting, no needing to know every detail. My in laws never ask too many questions or try to give advice. They accept that some things are a certain way (like my routine with the kids, the Sat as-much-TV-as-you-like rule, etc) and go about their merry way enjoying these moments as if they approve 500%. One of the most powerful lessons to date as been this one.

7) Do the things you love

My mum in law loves gardening and my father in law loves reading. He naps in the morning, she naps in the afternoon. She’s a adventurous eater, he isn’t. They do not try to adapt these preferences. They each do what they enjoy doing and embrace their differences with ease. They have never raised their voices to anyone or used a harsh word. Everything they do….they do with love.

8) Enjoy life!

At their age they have such gusto and passion for life. They truly enjoy each day, savour every morsel of food and appreciate the little things. They have such patience with the kids (and us big kids too). In the month they have been here there has not been a single sideways glance passed between them or a single moody moment, it’s like living in a zero judgment zone – enlightening!

9) Love equally

Never once have I felt side lined or overlooked. I have had some quiet moments and even then what I got in return was a back rub and hot tea! When Tiger and Pup bring their chosen loves into my home I will treat them as I have been treated….with love, acceptance and not an ounce of judgment or superiority. I am a lucky lucky lucky girl!

10) It’s ok to be different 

I have yet to meet 2 people so different and yet so alike. Any difference of opinion is acknowledged and accepted as a point of view and that’s it – they move on. They have, through the years, determined who is good at what and an immediate balance is seen. They are not clones of each other and neither is trying to change the other. 

Sigh, I am going to miss them terribly when they leave but they leave me changed in ways that they probably will never realise. I guess this is my way of thanking them for making me a better wife, a better mom, a better me! It really is possible to love your in laws!

Love

Manic Me

Kids party etiquette – what NOT to do when hosting

Pup’s parties are always a source of great excitement and we really go out of our way to make sure it is memorable for all. Memorable does not mean costly and often my little DIY customised bits are the ones Pup and everyone else loves the most!

Recently though I have noticed a few weird trends when being invited to other kids birthday parties. For example, we get invited to these “awesome parties” with “amazing things to do” but have to pay for all the activities on offer. Now, I understand that it’s a way to cut costs and keep the fun, but what about the parents that did not budget for it? And what happened to the old fashioned notion of paying for your guests? You did invite them after all – and they did bring an awesome gift!
So here’s my list of do nots:

1) Please don’t send invites to school if you are not inviting the entire class. Some little kid is going to feel really left out and your child might feel really bad. Rather send digital invites to your child’s friends parents. I’m sure the teacher will be happy to provide email addresses or at least forward the invitation on

2) Please specify it is a drop and go or if the parents should stay. This makes it less awkward at drop off

3) Please advise the total possible cost for activities at the party if you are asking the other parents to pay. This way they can make an informed decision. I would rather invite fewer people and pay for them.

4) Please mention if there will be no food provided so that I can either ensure my child has a full meal beforehand or buy a meal before I leave (if it’s a drop off). A hungry child fueled by candy alone is a grumpy child

5) Please choose activities that are fun, safe and age appropriate and advise if an activity requires certain clothing or if the activity is outdoor (e.g. sunscreen, sun hat, close toed shoes, etc)

We will continue to treat out guests to great food, great fun and great memories. I feel that a party is a party when you arrive and are pampered as much as the birthday child is. 

What are your thoughts?

Love

Manic Mummy 

10 Steps that made me a better mummy – The 10 day mum challenge

Are you ready to bring fun, laughter and joy back? Let’s be honest, we tend to get lost sometimes in a sea of “no” and “don’t do that” and we forget to just let go!!!

This has made a world of difference for Pup and I. No tantrums to date since Day 1. Each day includes an activity that you need to do but keep the momentum of the day before by incorporating elements of that day too.

Day 1

No raised voices. If your surroundings are loud, lower your voice so that your little one has to look at you to understand. No screaming across the room or across the house either (we all do it!). Make sure you are looking at your little one when talking 

Day 2

Start a spontaneous tickle fight and end with a long hug. Add kisses and maybe a pillow or two for more fun!

Day 3

Say these 3 things a few times today. Make sure there is eye contact each time 

• You are so kind and thoughtful
• You make me smile
• Mummy is so proud of you

Day 4

Eliminate the word no. You cannot say no at all. Find alternatives.

Day 5

Cover up in blankets and watch the stars for a few minutes before bedtime. Cuddles and/or conversation about aliens or the planets are welcome. Make a wish upon a star!

Day 6

Watch a movie together with tons of snacks. Pause it when someone needs to use the bathroom or when there is an interruption….this shows you are invested in this activity. No cellphones allowed!!!

Day 7

Prep some flour and water and let them mix it up and play either outside or in your bath tub. No, you may not say “Don’t make a mess”. You may say “let’s see how we can keep this inside the bath/container/basin”

Day 8

Have a silly face competition in front of a mirror

Day 9

Switch your cellphone off from the time your child comes home from school to bedtime or from the time you get home to your child’s bedtime. If you are home executive, switch your phone on vibrate when baby is awake and only answer urgent calls. No social media.

Day 10

Reward you and your little one by making a list of the changes you have seen over the past 10 days in you and the kids. 

Now repeat!

Let me know how it goes!

Why I think I broke my first born!

Dear Pup,
It took me a while to write this because I honestly couldn’t stand seeing it in black and white but it needs to be said. I hope that one day you will look back and say you handled things better than I did.

What a year 2016 was for you! Mummy changed into a bit of a mom-ster while Baby Bump was growing inside her and you, well you had to grow up pretty quick. Daddy’s hours mean that it’s usually just you, Baby Bump and I at home and that’s not always easy on you.

I look at you now and struggle to believe that you have grown so much. You are taller, leaner and not sure why but you seem honestly a bit subdued too. Your joy seems more restrained now as you quietly go about your business making sure not to wake baby or hesitate before you talk to me when you notice I’m nursing him.

You are strong willed and it shows now more than before. Sometimes I can’t deal with the smart comments, slamming doors and stomping feet. I expected that at 16, I guess, not 5 and so forgive me for being completely unprepared. I watch you as you chat to people when we visit or they visit and how you bask in their attention, and I suddenly realise what it must feel like to not be in the limelight on your own anymore. I suddenly feel how confusing it must be for you to go from yes all the time to sudden “in just a moment” and “I’ll do it just now”.  I suddenly see how it must be to be the other child and not the only child.

As I sit here in tears all I can think of saying is “I’m sorry”. Not for having your little brother or for being pregnant but I’m sorry that I could not have been more of a mummy to you in my time of need. I feel like I broke you a little – or maybe alot, I’m not too sure. 

I tell you I love you and tuck you in at night but I notice your lingering look as Daddy Dearest plops you into the shower when I’m busy feeding baby and I know you’re thinking that I used to share that time with you. I notice how you don’t run to me with open arms like you used to and you don’t laugh that big laugh you used to either, almost asking for attention instead of vivaciously taking it like you used to. I ask you if you’re ok and you turned to me with those big eyes and said, “I’m ok mummy, don’t worry about me”. For some reason that broke my heart. I never want you to feel that I shouldn’t worry about you. You’ll always be my baby.

You were the centre of my world for 5 whole years, you were the only one. You held all our attention and were the only one we focused all our love on. Now, well now,  we try this balancing game that I think we’re failing at. 

So, I’m going to fix it. I’m going to try harder to do better and be the “old mummy”. I’m going to hold you more, lie with you at bedtime for those stolen squeezes and maybe, just maybe we’ll get back the “us” time as the days roll by. I’m going to stop calling you a “big girl” and understand that you are still only 5 and can’t possibly know what I expect you to know. I’m going to stop treating you like an older child just because there is someone younger. 

You are my first born, and all my firsts as a mummy live with you. You made me a mummy. You said mum mum first, and all those memories I cherish, my baby. I am grateful and thankful to you for those privileges . I watch as Bump and you create firsts of your own, how you play gently with him, how you race to him when you get home and how he searches the room for you when you leave. Despite the changes, you have never blame him – your soul is wise and your love is pure. You are, as Daddy Dearest says, our Pure Joy.

At 3 months Baby Bump has already fallen in love with you as I did before you were even born.I look forward to you two building on this foundation for years to come.

So, my Pup, whether it’s you growing up or me breaking what was – I hope it all gets better as we learn how to deal with 3 becoming 4.

Love you my sunshine,

Manic mummy

Manic Mummy: Fixing a flip flop with the help of a loaf of bread

Dear Pup,

It came on suddenly. Baby Tiger was in his pram stirring and I looked away from you for a moment. Just enough time for you to trip over your new flip flops (how do you manage to trip over your  own feet?). I could see your newly turned 5 year old logic settling in. You are a big girl now and big girls don’t cry – you must have been thinking. But then logic was thrown out the window and you launched yourself dramatically me (and Tigers pram) in tears.

I could feel your pain when you handed me your “broken” flip flop. Your perfect toes wiggled in the most adorable way as you seriously explained why another pair would not do and going barefoot was a no no. In desperation, and not wanting to push a pram and a trolley, I looked around. And there it was! The loaf of bread.

Instinct kicked in and I removed the clip that keep the bread closed, turned the flip flop around and voila! Flip flop fixed!!!

Surprisingly you don’t have to use a bread clip, anything with a larger circumference than the hole in the flip flop works!

Sigh, onwards and forwards – another mummy hack and who needs fresh bread anyways!

Love you baby! Anything to see that smile!

Mummy