Why I think I broke my first born!

Dear Pup,
It took me a while to write this because I honestly couldn’t stand seeing it in black and white but it needs to be said. I hope that one day you will look back and say you handled things better than I did.

What a year 2016 was for you! Mummy changed into a bit of a mom-ster while Baby Bump was growing inside her and you, well you had to grow up pretty quick. Daddy’s hours mean that it’s usually just you, Baby Bump and I at home and that’s not always easy on you.

I look at you now and struggle to believe that you have grown so much. You are taller, leaner and not sure why but you seem honestly a bit subdued too. Your joy seems more restrained now as you quietly go about your business making sure not to wake baby or hesitate before you talk to me when you notice I’m nursing him.

You are strong willed and it shows now more than before. Sometimes I can’t deal with the smart comments, slamming doors and stomping feet. I expected that at 16, I guess, not 5 and so forgive me for being completely unprepared. I watch you as you chat to people when we visit or they visit and how you bask in their attention, and I suddenly realise what it must feel like to not be in the limelight on your own anymore. I suddenly feel how confusing it must be for you to go from yes all the time to sudden “in just a moment” and “I’ll do it just now”.  I suddenly see how it must be to be the other child and not the only child.

As I sit here in tears all I can think of saying is “I’m sorry”. Not for having your little brother or for being pregnant but I’m sorry that I could not have been more of a mummy to you in my time of need. I feel like I broke you a little – or maybe alot, I’m not too sure. 

I tell you I love you and tuck you in at night but I notice your lingering look as Daddy Dearest plops you into the shower when I’m busy feeding baby and I know you’re thinking that I used to share that time with you. I notice how you don’t run to me with open arms like you used to and you don’t laugh that big laugh you used to either, almost asking for attention instead of vivaciously taking it like you used to. I ask you if you’re ok and you turned to me with those big eyes and said, “I’m ok mummy, don’t worry about me”. For some reason that broke my heart. I never want you to feel that I shouldn’t worry about you. You’ll always be my baby.

You were the centre of my world for 5 whole years, you were the only one. You held all our attention and were the only one we focused all our love on. Now, well now,  we try this balancing game that I think we’re failing at. 

So, I’m going to fix it. I’m going to try harder to do better and be the “old mummy”. I’m going to hold you more, lie with you at bedtime for those stolen squeezes and maybe, just maybe we’ll get back the “us” time as the days roll by. I’m going to stop calling you a “big girl” and understand that you are still only 5 and can’t possibly know what I expect you to know. I’m going to stop treating you like an older child just because there is someone younger. 

You are my first born, and all my firsts as a mummy live with you. You made me a mummy. You said mum mum first, and all those memories I cherish, my baby. I am grateful and thankful to you for those privileges . I watch as Bump and you create firsts of your own, how you play gently with him, how you race to him when you get home and how he searches the room for you when you leave. Despite the changes, you have never blame him – your soul is wise and your love is pure. You are, as Daddy Dearest says, our Pure Joy.

At 3 months Baby Bump has already fallen in love with you as I did before you were even born.I look forward to you two building on this foundation for years to come.

So, my Pup, whether it’s you growing up or me breaking what was – I hope it all gets better as we learn how to deal with 3 becoming 4.

Love you my sunshine,

Manic mummy